I sit here in my partially empty living room, reflecting on the past year and a half and everything that has happened since I’ve lived in this apartment.
When I moved in, I moved in pretending to be happy, and pretending to be okay. This was my first apartment on my own in quite sometime and moving from my ex’s place, only made it harder.
My break up had me questioning everything I was doing, being and pretending to be. I attached myself to a couple casual relationships in hopes to stop me from thinking about him and what happened. I could not stop feeling guilty. Guilty of not being able to just be so selfless.
-Background story- My ex was diagnosed with Lyme Disease the week I moved in to live with him. My job at the time was serving at one of the nicest restaurants in Vancouver. I worked my ass off and gave my soul to that place. Once done work, I had to come home and clean and help be support for someone I loved. After so long, I began to crumble and turned into an empty blank walking body that was filled with so many mixed emotions I didn’t know how to act. When you give so much to people at work and then come home to do the same, its very hard on your emotions and mental health. Not being able to physically see when your partner is sick, is very difficult, especially when its so up and down. Eventually I started to begin to feel not myself and extremely anxious all the time. I would cry in the car to hide it from everyone. I became very angry with myself, I felt as though I was failing as a partner. I did feel like I failed. Why wasn’t I able to just help him and be more selfless? At that time I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression along with my PTSD from my past, but I couldn’t tell my boyfriend. He was already dealing with so much and even if I tried to, the conversation would lead to an argument how he needed to focus on getting better and I wasn’t helping. Try hearing that from someone you love. Basically he gave me confirmation that yes, I was failing. In the end, we broke up for that exact reason “You need to work on yourself”.
You can see how this caused a spiral of guilt, anger and upset.
Before I moved, I switched my job, because I knew it was the one toxic thing for me that I needed to change.(you can read my other articles to understand why) I started to work for a fishing lodge, at their head office in Vancouver. The hours were crazy, the money was horrible and my social life was gone. But it was experience on my resume and a way to make connections.
The season ended and the job I was supposed to transition to, never happened. I was lost for work and didn’t know what to do. So I went and did what I know I was good at, back to the restaurant industry I went.
From there, the high stressed job triggered the “work hard, play hard” lifestyle. Combined with my ongoing mental health issues, I focused on all the wrong things to get me back to myself again. Casual relationships, too much drinking, and lonely nights at home crying my eyes out.
And then someone mentioned Aprons for Gloves. I decided to sign up, ended up getting a fight and my focus started to shift to a healthier lifestyle. Surrounding myself with people who wanted to better themselves and others around them. I began to look at my life and what I was doing and realized that I got out of the restaurant industry previously because of the toxicity. I needed to do it for good.
My shift slowly developed, but I was still having those boozy nights after a very high stressful shift, only to wake up feeling guilty and upset with myself.
Then someone from an amazing company reached out to me on Linkedin and told me to apply for an opening in their company. I did and got the job! This is where I finally started to truely feel happy. Happy knowing that the only hurtful thing in my life was about to go away. Happy knowing that I’d be surrounded by people who are active, positive about their job and surrounded by people who want to push you to do better. People that don’t have to drink a mickey while they work, just to make it through their shift. People that don’t get jealous at my wins or call me out on my fails. People who don’t tell me “If you don’t like it, then go somewhere else”.
But then my balance got a little off.
After my fight and the new transition with the 9-5 job. I was striving for that social time after work but no one to enjoy it with, all my friends work restaurants and nights. Going from such a high social job and life, to being behind a computer all day and then straight home, your body goes through a bit of a shock. Then the times when I was able to actually meet up with friends I kept feeling like “I have to make the most of it!” So, even though I wasn’t going out much, when I did, I went too hard. I felt like I needed to take advantage of the night, cause they were so few.
Then Sept 17th hit, a couple days after another sad birthday alone. I decided I was going to stop drinking for a while. A while lead to a month, lead to anther month and then to another month, and now to today. I have had a few nights in between where I let myself have some drinks and let loose, and they were definitely fun, but man do I ever hate hangovers and headaches.
I look at myself tonight and look at myself the first night. I’m so proud of this girl today and everything she’s dealt with, learned and achieved. She’s grown so much in just a year and a half, and she deserves the world.
This apartment gave me comfort, was there through the most transitional time in my life, and also gave me hope. I loved this bright, big windowed apartment and am sad to leave. But with growth comes change and life adjustments.
Thank you Kits apartment, for being my rock to talk to, my safe space during difficult times, and for being a 3 story walk up that has kept my butt looking fabulous, Thank you!